• Moon Mythbuster

Down-B, jump, counter, and condoms: Gallatin's smashing sex-ed event

Updated: Dec 11, 2019

A feature report on Gallatin Hall's recent video-game infused floor event


by Jonah Hoy


Down-B, jump, counter, and condoms? Yes, that's right: on November 16, an RMU residence hall held a fun-filled Super Smash Brothers tournament followed by an educational lecture on life's most beautiful natural activity.

Sex.


Imagine a room filled with mostly tall, lanky boys huddled around lounge chairs, while several others play pool in the background. Only one female is present; she sits on the far side of the room with sunglasses on, looking like she wouldn’t dare risk being recognized here.


That’s what Gallatin Hall’s sex ed event looked like Saturday night. “Smash Safely” was arranged by two Alpha-male gamers, Mike Schwarz and Dean Procter. Schwarz and Procter were Alphas in a room chock full of Beta subjects. Where the Betas lack, the Alphas’ cups runneth over in gaming skill, in desire for smashing, and in unfettered love of sexual education.


At one point, Schwarz proclaimed himself the actual Alpha of the group.


“Gallatin is a dictatorship and I rule over all,” Schwarz said.


This seemed to cause animosity between Schwarz and Procter -- they’re both Community Advisors in Gallatin. The two couldn’t agree about their involvement in arranging this brother-filled, sex-filled, educational extravaganza.


The rules were simple: you play Smash Brothers in a 1-vs.-1 tournament, and whoever is the last man standing at the end of the tournament reigns champion. What prize is awarded once the winner is crowned?


You may have guessed it: condoms. You mischievous rascal, you. In an event filled with so much intense gamer energy it was hard to believe they stayed so civilized with each other.


Why was this event planned? What was the purpose of it? A reasonable observer may ask these questions. Mike Schwarz, however, self-proclaimed Supreme Overlord of this niche gaming community, put those sissy concerns to rest.


“Since Gallatin is a mainly freshman dorm we wanted to invite these kids who may not be used to college life and see what it's truly about, and ways to adjust,” Schwarz said.


Dean Procter made a name for himself too. What better way for Lord Procter to introduce college sex life than having Kirby suck you in and jump off the ledge just to spit you out so you can't jump back up? What better way to incite brute rage? And, of course, this stunt demonstrated how to use a condom correctly.


Meanwhile, Alpha Schwarz likes to rule with an iron fist but with an even bigger heart.


“We wanna let the world know gamers can have sex too,” Schwarz explained earnestly.


These trailblazers break down barriers and stereotypes of what gamers look like. In case you’re unfamiliar with the gamer community, the stigma is that they don’t have sex, or talk to girls at all.


These boys break down walls one Final Smash at a time. These heroes won’t stop, and neither will the Smashing.


These gentlemen have held similar events in the past -- the week before, they held a pool tournament for raising awareness about testicular cancer.


What a bunch of stand-up guys, hosting events for the better of the community.


At the tourney’s conclusion, with the winner crowned, Lord Proctor and Alpha Mike stood up and delivered a heartfelt message about the “touchy” subject of consent and condoms.


Mike touched on how consent is a subjective and serious subject: even if you have gotten a yes, that yes can be taken away at any point during the encounter, plus if your partner is intoxicated then consent may be impossible entirely. The gentlemen advised that it is best to stay on the safe side and not risk it. Save yourself from getting in trouble and wait until your partner is good and sober to truly find out the right answer.


Lord Procter (aka Dean) played with the notion of stigma against condoms, as they can be seen as “not cool,” and he shed light on the matter with nothing short of perfection and clear-cut precision. Condoms are your best friend when it comes to sexual intercourse. They prevent STDs and prevent partners from getting pregnant. Dean eloquently laid it all out for these young Padawans.


“I know you may think it’s not cool to wear condoms but hey, just remember CA Dean does,” he said with near-Jedi grace.


If college could be summed up in a word, what would it be? Education.


This is a lesson nobody can forget, because sometimes the classrooms can't teach it all.


But this place can.