SOURCES SAY: President-for-a-day John Tucci declares himself all-powerful King of RMU
Updated: Jan 16, 2020
MOON TOWNSHIP, PA — In a surprise twist, the seemingly innocuous groundskeeper John Tucci on Wednesday revealed his dark side: he has deposed President Chris Howard and consolidated power among the President’s Council.
Within the first few minutes of President Howard’s admittedly transparent public-relations ploy, “President for a Day,” now-Supreme Leader Tucci put out a hit on Chris Howard’s head and consolidated RMU Police forces to back his claim.
The coup raised speculation that Supreme Leader Tucci might actually do something as president, contradicting what most scholars thought “President for a Day” would mean.
“I’m just here to bring blessings,” Supreme Leader Tucci told student reporters Wednesday.
“I plan to cancel all Colonials’ student debt and reinvest alumni donations to an in-ground swimming pool,” he added. “You kids are so wonderful, God bless ya and have a wonderful year.”
Some students were thrilled with the news.
“Tucci being president for a day, I never thought he’d do anything — y’know, maybe he’d go to a meeting or two and get his picture taken,” said frat brother Travis Abel. “But, not gonna lie, the student debt thing exceeded my expectations of this new president.”
Informed that Supreme Leader Tucci is not just a president but instead has declared himself king for life, Abel added, “Oh — yeah that’s rad.”
Historical scholars say the impressiveness of Tucci’s rise rivals that of Josef Stalin in early Soviet Russia.
Sources say deposed President Howard was last seen fleeing while clutching a Gucci bag and diving into the back of a getaway BMW. Howard’s wife and former first lady, Barbara, was momentarily left behind in a brief lapse of judgment and is said to have chased the car screaming, “I warned you about that maniac!”