SOURCES SAY: Caving to new petition, President Howard appoints six-year-old as his replacement
"Give the people what they want," Former President Howard told reporters. "And they want President Marcus."
It's official — President Howard is giving into petition pressure and appointing a six-year-old child as his replacement, because everything the people request via petition is good.
Now-former President Howard resigned effective noon Friday, announcing that "much like with the recent commencement guests debacle, I had initially decided against appointing a six-year-old named Marcus as president, although I totally could have done that, and it was obvious that you all wanted a six-year-old. Who wouldn't? However, we decided against it because to do so would be completely irresponsible."
"Now, though, since enough of you wrote your name on a petition, I am forced to give in and literally cause chaos and death by appointing Marcus as supreme leader of the university. Did I say supreme leader? I meant president. Definitely president," Mr. Howard told Sources Say reporters.
Former President Howard acknowledged that he initially believed that, much like bringing two guests to graduation, everyone would die if Marcus became president. However, upon reflection that students were upset, he decided to endorse the very action that he had previously claimed was irresponsible.
One student celebrated the news but questioned former President Howard's logic.
"So he knew that we all wanted Marcus as our leader, and he had the power to do it, but initially said we would all die if he listened to us. But now once we sign the petition, suddenly he figures out how to give us what we want?" said Gradju Ashunzbak, '21.
Mr. Ashunzbak added, "Makes literally no sense but hey, we got what we want and now Marcus will make sure we all literally die just like President Howard said we would if we had two guests. Hooray!"
At press time, Marcus had not heard the news yet, as he was still napping in his kindergarten classroom.