• Moon Mythbuster

SOURCES SAY: Congress passes bill requiring motor vehicles to wear face masks

In a new report from Capitol Hill, the COVID-19 outbreak has increased to such a degree that the Federal government is proposing yet another bill.

What will this new bill do?

How will it affect the American people?

Lawmakers in Washington have passed the new, “Get into that mask or get out of my car” (GITMO McGOO) bill. This will force all motor vehicles that will be driven to wear face masks to help prevent COVID from spreading into other sectors of human life. The controversial and abstract piece of legislation was crafted by Senator Robo Cop Romney, Jr, III.

Senator RC3 was able to stop and talk to Sources Say about passing the GITMO McGOO Act.

“See, me being half cyborg and half cop really put me in a position of how are other well greased, oiled machines being affected by this pandemic? So I set on a course to find out if there was anything I could do personally, to help stabilize the crisis,” Senator RC3 said.

The senator went on to explain his findings.

“I worked with the CDC and other health organizations to test the virus in motor vehicles,” he said. “We found that if a car catches COVID-19 and it spreads to the flux capacitor, the car will uproot its programming — causing it to morph into a sneezing, coughing, mentally ill Decepticon hellbent on brutally destroying anything it can get its hands on.”

This legislation would require all motor vehicles to wear face masks out in public, car companies already have contracts and orders to fabricate large non-medical grade masks to fit these new restrictions. Car companies are dealing with cool colors and designs to make the new change fun and whimsical. Lincoln struck a deal with Netflix and is manufacturing Tiger King decal masks with a “sexy lion tamer and his bare chest to hook on smoothly without any scratches.”

Not all cars though are allowed in public even with a face mask, as article Dragon Ball Z, Section 8 of the bill clearly states, “All vehicles must wear face protection in order to stop the spread of the disease, except if they meet the following criteria they must #StayHome and cannot drive even with protective precautions." Any vehicle with these specifications will not be allowed on the streets:

  1. "Various amounts of snapback hats litter the backseat

  2. Limp Bizkit and/or Insane Clown Posse CDs are the only music choice in the vehicle

  3. A spoiler

  4. Flame decals

  5. Fluorescent rims

  6. Subwoofer speakers

  7. Decal of a dead loved one (no one wants to see that)

  8. Amplified muffler (It's a Dodge Neon, not a damn Lambo. Grow up)

  9. Smells like Axe body spray

  10. Monster energy cans in cup holders”

These are just some of the draconian restrictions this new law has put on vehicles and the American people. Moat lawmakers favored the bill, voting 92-6 in the Senate and agreeing that humans aren't the only ones to blame for the spread of the virus. The few detractors say the bill unfairly profiles citizens named Kyle.

KITT, the supercar from hit ‘80s show Knight Rider, gave his hot take on Washington's new law.

“You see this is America in another one of their panic attacks once a crisis happens, first China was to blame, then it was not everyone social distancing, now it's us?" KITT told Sources Say reporters.

“Innocent vehicles are just trying to get from point A to point B. Now they are targeting Kyle-owned vehicles as scapegoats to excuse for the Big Bike corporations trying to run us off the road. Car Lives Matter and we will not be subject to ridiculous fear tactics used by the BBC (Big Bike Corporations).”

Little by little Americans lose their patience with the COVID crisis, as even their vehicles are no longer safe from the virus. Experts say all we can do is hope this new legislative tactic will put the pedal to the metal in ending this long and exhausting road trip. They suggest you think of COVID as your mother-in-law with you on that road trip: She's gonna stop multiple times to pee and drag this horror show out longer than it really needs to be, but you married her daughter so buckle up, pal.

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