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SOURCES SAY: Coronavirus defeated as old tweets resurface, offended nation cancels him

The coronavirus had appeared deadly, contagious, and unstoppable.

That is, until his offensive tweets from five years ago resurfaced. Now, an appalled nation has cancelled the virus for his insensitivity.

"We were gonna fight this thing out fair and square," said Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-NY, Senate minority leader. "But once we saw his homophobic joke we knew his hashtag Time was hashtag Up."

Voters across the U.S. said they're glad we finally found a good reason to expel COVID-19.

"Celebrities think they can get away with anything," said Jackie Fetcher of southern California. "I knew there was something sketchy about that COVID guy, and now it's obvious: he made jokes about sexual assault in 2007."

In a rare show of bipartisanship, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-NY, and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY, co-sponsored a bill that would effectively #MeToo the coronavirus.

For his part, COVID-19 has issued a public apology and promised to "take time with family to reflect."

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