SOURCES SAY: In effort to boost enrollment, RMU will open admissions to elementary grads
MOON TOWNSHIP, PA — Amidst the Robert Morris University student enrollment crisis, the Chris Howard administration has announced a sweeping change to the enrollment process: the school will accept applications from any student with a fifth-grade diploma.
“Twelve-year-olds have always represented our future,” President Howard said in a statement. “Now they can also represent clients in business deals.”
Some students expressed unease with the announcement, citing possible “awkward dorm interactions” and “liability issues,” but in an interview the administration brushed off those concerns, referring to hesitant students as “nerds.”
The Moon Township college attributes falling enrollment partly to fewer Saudi students, who attend RMU on a deal the previous administration struck with Saudi Arabia’s King Salman. Likewise, the Chris Howard administration has struck a deal with a royal leader that all elementary students revere.
President Howard told student reporters, “We believe that our honored elementary grads will make our university more agile, and we thank King Fidget-Spinner — is that really his name?”
At publishing time, RoMo’s Cafe employees had begun drafting blueprints for a Kid’s Meal version of the Papa Sal sandwich.