SOURCES SAY: "Out of an abundance of caution regarding COVID-19," RMU cancels itself
To protect all students after finding one single positive case, Robert Morris U plays it safe by simply ending the entire university
Thousands of students are breathing a collective sigh of relief Monday, after two days of near certainty that they would all soon perish.
When RMU's COVID-19 database initially reported a single solitary positive case, students and faculty alike had begun scheduling funerals, collecting funds for tombstones, and preparing their last wills and testaments. But in an effort that will literally save their lives, President Chris Howard announced Monday that he plans to knock down the whole university and cancel everything forever.
"In accordance with Governor Wolf's suggestion that congregations of more than 250 people are dangerous, we had already begun making arrangements to possibly cancel ourselves," President Howard said in a statement sent to Sources Say reporters. "In order to literally save your lives, we will now follow through on those plans by demolishing everything you love."
Students cheered the brave decision.
"There is no higher virtue than firing yourself," said one student who spoke on condition of anonymity due to fear of backlash from the coronavirus.
"Thank God we get to leave campus and go infect our ailing grandmothers instead," the student added.
University spokesman, Ninca m'Poop, said in a school-wide email that thank-you letters are welcomed and can be sent directly to the president's office.
"Demolition will start Tuesday," Mr. m'Poop said.
Students were delighted to learn they will have less than 24 hours to evacuate the campus before their homes-away-from-home are obliterated.
Mr. m'Poop added, "We await your gratitude with bated breath."