SOURCES SAY: RMU branch campus in Illinois admits inferiority, agrees to shut down
Updated: Dec 12, 2019
Chicago, Illinois — RMU-Chicago, the Pittsburgh university’s subservient Illinois branch campus, will shutter its doors permanently, the branch chancellor announced last month.
The embattled campus had faced severe ridicule and questions of inferiority to the “real” Robert Morris in Moon Township, also known as RMU-Main.
“We suck,” branch chancellor Hiss Coward announced in a dismal press conference last month. “The RMU in Pittsburgh will always be better than us and we can’t bear the shame any longer.”
“He fumbled and bumbled through that whole speech,” one RMU-Chicago student commented on condition of anonymity, to avoid embarrassment of association with the campus. “He even sucks at saying we suck.”
A few lone demonstrators gathered at the event to protest the audience’s rudeness.
“Don’t get us wrong, we’re glad that piece of garbage is closing,” said protester Linda Hardwick. “It’s just we think it’s mean to throw tomatoes at such a sad, sniveling loser as that poor guy.”
As branch chancellor Hiss Coward faced brutal comparisons to the superior “real” president Chris Howard.
While President Howard served in the Air Force and attended Harvard Business School, Mr. Coward dodged the Vietnam draft and barely graduated from Pitt-Greensburg.
Chancellor Coward’s branch had long suffered the nickname “Great Value RMU.”
At press time, Chancellor Coward was sobbing in the fetal position while off-brand RMU-Chicago students celebrated Stupid Sunday.