• Moon Mythbuster

SOURCES SAY: RMU football stadium will be empty this year, thus unaffected by COVID limitations

Updated: Mar 9


Same as a normal year: Fans will not attend RMU football games


In a rare twist, Colonial football games — unlike most college sporting events — will be unaffected by COVID protocols this year, RMU Athletics announced this week. That's because literally zero people were in attendance even in normal years, and "you fair-weather fans suck eggs every year," a spokesman for the department explained.


"We thought about reducing attendance from last year's limits, but that would be negative numbers and therefore physically impossible," said RMU Athletics spokesman Zeer Roefans.


"Apparently too far of a walk for EVEN ONE STUDENT -- Ahem, pardon," Mr. Roefans said. "It's just unbelievable that these dinguses weren't supporting their DIVISION I FOOTBALL TEAM -- Ahem, sorry, were you still recording?"


"As a result, we had to settle for still having a completely empty stadium," Mr. Roefans added, once he regained his composure. "Considering we're in a pandemic right now we wish we could do more, but seeing as there are literally zero humans in sight, the Pennsylvania Department of Health has grudgingly accepted our proposal."


The RMU football team will host opponents from its new conference, the Big South, facing off No. 23 Monmouth on March 13, and Gardner-Webb on April 10. Kickoff is at noon, and nonexistent fans can get their nonexistent tickets at the RMU Athletics website.


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