The GOP as Muppets characters
by Jonah Hoy
Rudy Giuliani -- Rizzo the Rat
The former mayor of New York and current lawyer for the president of the United States, Rudy. From those not-so-subtle under-eye bags to that sickeningly severe hair loss, you can just tell right away. This guy is a smooth operator; he knows what’s up. When you need a slimy, greasy rodent lurking in your shadow to deliver some old-school debauchery, who else would you call? Only these two fellas. Just look how their ample smiles resemble each other. Obviously Rizzo has hair all over his body, as he is a confirmed rat. But have you pictured my boy Rudes without clothes on? Strip off that fine Italian suit, for what he lacks on his head he makes up for down under. Rudy's Carpet 100% matches Rizzo's drapes. Catch my drift? (*wink* *finger guns* *snaps*)
Donald Trump -- Animal
How could our beloved president of the United States resemble this feisty, fiery little redhead? The real question is, how could he not? This is uncanny. Imagine this. Trickles of red seem to sprout off his chin and cheeks. Little wisps on his la cabeza fluttering in the wind. Tell me which one I was talking about; that’s right, you can’t choose, because it sounds like both.
I, for one, think Animal is the sexiest of all the Muppets. It should be a crime -- nay, a sin -- not to name our commander-in-chief the honorable Sexiest Muppet Alive. Drape off those clothes, Mr. President, because a drum’s not the only thing getting banged. From the outrageous banter of Animal’s voice that sounds like a pencil sharpener trying to smooth out a screaming cat, to speeches and rallies that can only be called pure poetry, Donny J and Animal are one and the same.
Mitch McConnell -- Beaker
Is it the fact that their faces both look like they haven't stopped watching a scary movie? Or is it that a side-by-side comparison of their wardrobe proves they wear the same designer suit? It’s impossible to choose, but just look at how Mitch's wrinkles remind you of sweet, savory gravy. Hmmm-mm gimme a plate of fries because I have a craving for some of Big M’s crow’s feet.
Okay is it unsettling or just epic to wonder whether… hear me out… what if they had a love child? Now these two do look related, but I bet it's more of a second cousin once removed type of thing, not brother-brother you sick pervert, that’s too far. The love child would have to be none other than sassy, power-hungry reptile Yertle the Turtle. Awe, they must be so proud (*insert blushing emoji face*).
Brett Kavanaugh -- Oscar the Grouch
Now this side-by-side can be deceiving because Oscar’s got this devilish smile he wears so well. Then there's Brett who looks like he farted in the elevator and everyone knows it's him but he's too awkward and that's all he can muster.
They do have the same sense in style; just look at that dark robe versus that phenomenally stitched aluminum trash can. Both of these back-alley casanovas got their sick threads handcrafted by Dolce & Gabbana. I'll drink to that, eh Brett? For every beer Brett shotguns, Oscar can dig one can out of the trash.
I like to think these two meet up on weekends to see who can eat more trash and who can chug more beer. (And then race to see how many girls they can pick up in one night.) Oscar, much the ladies’ man, I believe was once quoted saying “ladies love the trash.” The greasy, silver-tongued, dark-alley grouch -- I mean, Brett -- probably said “ladies love a guy with a gavel in one hand and a cold Budweiser in the other.”
Jeff Sessions -- Scooter
If you could time travel, go back to 1976 and say Jim Hensen got tired and needed someone to fill in whenever Scooter came on. He could pull big boy J-Sesh to fill the spot. These fellas could be father and son. Say the Sesh-meister got a lil tipsy in college, found a Shamwow, and was like “Ooo, you kind of cute,” then nine months later bam! You got yourself the demonic hybrid of an orange towel and the former Attorney General. Now that's what I call a power move. Scooter looks like the before photo when a student goes to college for the first time and my mans Jeff Szechuan looks like the after photo, a fifth-year senior who’s sweating caffeine and nicotine just to stay awake.
Jeb Bush -- Swedish Chef
Both of these pure adonises have a distinct sex-appeal look that no one can deny. If each had their own Where's Waldo book, people would be pissed because it would only take a few seconds to find them in a crowd. That Nordic, fair-haired noodle cooker, and that punching bag, live-in-motion, meme of the Republican party, are two peas in a pod.
Have you ever heard the way they talk? The sweet sound of Jeb’s cowardice and backtracking while somehow still attempting to feign strength is the equivalent of a six-year-old sniffling and then saying “My dad can beat up your dad!!!” Meanwhile, when Chef tries to produce a serious assortment of words it sounds like he’s gargling Yahtzee dice mixed with blue Gatorade.
When Swedish Chef speaks it reminds me of sweet little Jeb because no matter what the boy says -- and yes I do mean boy, nobody who makes that jebbly face in a photo can be considered a man -- they are saying the same thing because who really listens to Jeb when he talks? It’s less infuriating to just figure out what Chef Pickled Herring is saying.
Jeb is like your kid who comes home from school with a sh**ty art project. You hang it up the fridge to make 'em feel good, but between you and me? Ha, a-ha-ha... There's no amount of white-out to make that monstrosity worth looking at.