• Moon Mythbuster

Why you should support RMU Dining's proposed meal-plan change

Updated: Feb 10, 2020

Big RMU news: RMU Dining is convening a question-and-answer session this Wednesday to discuss proposed changes to the resident meal plan, which would limit Romo's and Starbucks spending to $200 total per semester, while making PNC Cafe swipes unlimited and perhaps adding a new cafe. Some students feel oppressed by this campus craziness, as if they pay for their meal plans or something.

Students are mad. "We'll starve," they complain. Well, boo-hoo, so did the prisoners in Soviet Russia's gulags, and so did the Chinese farmers when Mao declared the "Great Leap Forward," but you didn't hear them complain. I mean, they died brutally, but they did so politely.

Okay, I'm not saying you ought to die with grace. In fact, I prefer you stay alive. But I am saying you should support Dining's suggested meal-plan updates. "What are you smoking?", you ask? That's none of your business, but whatever it is has helped me discover the top reasons you should support the proposed changes.

1. Weight loss

Admit it: you've been trying to lose those last five new-year pounds. Maybe you've been hitting the gym -- but homework's catching up to you, so you took last night off. Maybe you meant to cut carbs -- but that greasy Papa Sal keeps callin' your name in the night, and you keep giving in.

Not the case with this new meal plan. Forget five pounds: you're dropping 40. By the time you run out of your Romo's allowance -- two and a half weeks into the semester, that is -- you'll be lucky to chew on a hunk of leftover cardboard. You would hit the Caf and use those coveted unlimited swipes, but you're here for your education so you just got out of night class. The Caf's closed, baby! New Year's Resolutions: resolved.

2. Slowing climate change

Okay, hear me out. The climate's getting warmer 'cause we're using too many resources, right? So let's just use less! The new Dining plan will have us eating maybe three-quarters of our doctor-recommended diet. You've always wanted to sacrifice your vital organs to save the sea turtles. RMU Dining is gonna sacrifice your organs and then some!

You thought you were woke when you bought paper straws that disintegrate in your mouth? Pfft. Step your game up. RMU Dining wants to cut your carbon footprint in half. Actually, it'll cut your regular footprint in half, too -- y'know, due to malnutrition and muscle atrophy.

3. Learning to budget

Look here, you entitled little prick. The Greatest Generation didn't storm Normandy so you and your frat buddies could rip biceps in the Rec and then slam three dinners' worth each without even cracking open a checkbook. (Is that how people used to monitor finances?)

Not in RMU Dining's house. They'll make sure you find out what it's like to budget your food expenses for the month and find out you're eating dirt for dinner next week. The new meal plan will have you swallowing nails for breakfast like your sergeant grandfather did when he was stationed in Warsaw. Less of that fruity, communist "nutrition"; more pain, as God intended.

4. Trying that new fad diet

You've long wondered what it'd be like if you said "f**k basic nutrients," but you never quite had the cojones to follow through. Now you can find out how long you'll survive when your body enters ketosis. Or, you could try fasting 18 hours a day -- y'know, like a monk.

It's not my fault you're skeptical that the new meal plan will make you holy. But I'm confident that once you try the keto diet or the intermittent fasting diet, you'll nut up. Sure, ketosis is a mild version of ketoacidosis, which routinely kills Type-1 diabetics. But if that fazes you, you're literally a narc.

5. Getting closer with your family (on the way to the hospital)

Look, no one's denying the fact that eventually, your family will have to rush to campus, drag your emaciated, half-breathing corpse from your twin XL dorm bed, and rush you to the local emergency room. But this is actually a good thing. You finally get some family time! You've been ignoring Mom's calls, you and Dad haven't gone fishing since August, and your sister's still a b**ch but she'll show up to see if she finally gets to take your old room.

Your upcoming malnutrition is actually your chance to reconcile with your own flesh and blood while you're on your near-deathbed. It'll be traumatizing to watch your mom cry while a priest reads you your Last Rites, but you'll pull through, and your family will never forget the family-counseling service that Dining provided.

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